Archive for October, 2012

Big Election Coming Up…Who Will Be King of Nebbioloville?

October 29, 2012

Transcript of the Oct. 2 debate between King of Italian wines, the 2008 Vietti Castiglione Barolo and its Chaptalized challenger, the 2008 Barboursville Nebbiolo Reserve, moderated by Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell.

Governor Bob McDonnell: Good evening, and welcome to the first and only Only Virginia Wine matters debate sponsored by the Commission on We Will Prove that Nebbiolo Grows Here. I’m Bob and I am honored to moderate this debate between two wines that are clearly in the same league.

At the beginning of each segment, I will ask both candidates a question, and they will each have two minutes to answer. Then I will encourage a discussion between the candidates with follow-up questions. By coin toss, it has been determined that the 2008 Vietti Castiglione Barolo will be first to answer the opening question.

We have a wonderful audience here tonight. You will no doubt celebrate the winner at the end of the debate and right now as we welcome the 2008 Vietti Castiglione Barolo and the 2008 Barboursville Nebbiolo Reserve. (Applause.)

Very nice to see you. Very nice to see you.

Governor Bob McDonnell:  The first question is for you 2008 Vietti Castiglione Barolo.  Top-down one-size-fits-all decision making should not replace the personal choices of free people in a free market, nor undermine the proper role of state and local governments in our system of federalism. As our Founders clearly stated, and we Governors understand, government closest to the people governs best. And no government program can replace the actions of caring Americans freely choosing to help one another. Can you get unemployment to under 6 percent, and how long before we have a reasonable amount of poor folk?

2008 Vietti Castiglione Barolo:  What the hell am I doing here?  Why do I need to defend myself from you people?  Jesus Christ why on earth would you think that you can even compete with a wine and a place that is steeped in centuries of tradition?  Barolo comes from the steep Langhe hills in Piemonte in Northern Italy.  Its cool weather and poor soils make the longest living of all Italian wines, dark, tannic, ethereal and haunting.  The wines take at least a decade to soften up, they will change your life!




Governor Bob McDonnell:  Bag of Sugar added 2008 Barboursville Nebbiolo Reserve your response?

2008 Barboursville Nebbiolo Reserve:  Wine critics have come to this estate in the conviction that Nebbiolo should not be grown outside of Piemonte, only to express disbelief that we are in North America. We are fortunate in the Virginia Piedmont’s Piemontese attributes; in our Piemontese winemaker’s second-generation sophistication in this grape’s demands in cultivation and in vinification; and in his associate winemaker’s experience in Nebbiolo vinification with one of Piemonte’s leading producers.

2008 Vietti Castiglione Barolo:  Holy mother of god!  Barolo comes from a special place, the grapes have a long growing season, they need a long time to ripen, no green flavor here!  We don’t have to add artificial tannin or acidify our wines.  Fuck!  We are the king of wines and the wine of kings!  Why don’t you stick to your indigenous Norton grape?  It is a little more mildew resistant than all the other crap you try to grow.  Who wants to drink wine made from pesticide sprayed vineyards?

Governor Bob McDonnell:  I want to move the questioning along…

2008 Barboursville Nebbiolo Reserve:  …we embrace the 60-gallon barriques of our Piemontese cooper, Gamba, crafted of the choicest oak from France’s annual forest auctions, air-dried for at least 3 years before coopering.

2008 Vietti Castiglione Barolo:  Again, another attempt to cover up shitty fruit with a lot of makeup…


Governor Bob McDonnell:   (Inaudible.)  Moving on…Besides the healthcare bill being unconstitutional and a great expansion of federal government, I think if it does not respect people’s individual religious views and makes groups or individuals do things that are contrary to their deeply held beliefs, there is going to be a visceral negative reaction.  How will you stand by and support Israel and at the same time secretly reassure our nation that you do in fact hate Jews?

2008 Barboursville Nebbiolo Reserve:  By all means, there is vigorous structure, gratifying complexity, telling varietal typicity, elegance, palate suavity, longevity and demonstrable beauty in the wines you will taste from this estate.  And there is history, too. This amiable, hunter-fisherman-soccer parent enfant terrible of viticulture in Virginia saw it coming, like destiny, flung as happily to stain a T-shirt as to make its mark in viticulture.

2008 Vietti Castiglione Barolo:  Barboursville is owned by the Zonin family out of Italy, they are the country’s largest wine company producing some 25 million bottles of wine yearly, most of it forgettable swill meant for the grocery stores.  Just because you can kind of grow Nebbiolo in Virginia why would you?

Governor Bob McDonnell:  I think the more we embrace the culture of life and respect life, the better that we do.  I don’t think the objective of an abortion clinic is to try to talk women out of having the procedure. That obviously would not be positive for their bottom line.  Informed consent is required for every invasive medical procedure, from getting your ears pierced to having an abortion.  When we say that “we believe marriage is a union between one man and one woman” don’t we really want to say “we hate fags!”?

2008 Barboursville Nebbiolo Reserve: Barboursville tirelessly studies the selection and preparation of vineyard sites; identification of rootstocks, grape clones, and trellising systems; and techniques of year-round canopy management, with the result – frankly – of establishing the most vintage-versatile vineyard in the region. Readying the vineyard constantly for the best conceivable season, has only meant dramatically enhancing every vintage.  Mi chiamo Paschina, Luca. And I am a Virginian.

2008 Vietti Castiglione Barolo:  I am sorry, you seem like nice people and all but I can not agree with what or why we are debating here.  Barboursville is not Barolo, shit it is not even Valtellina!  I don’t think you understand what Barolo is, or have never tasted Barolo in a proper context.  Sweet, soft, flabby, vanilla fruit flavors will always win over dry, earthy and structure in a blind taste test.  Why not sit down with a bottle and enjoy it over the course of an evening with some braised beef and a rich polenta, perhaps decant it.  Buy a case and check in with it every year for 12 years, it will evolve nicely gathering weight and intensity, developing a complex bouquet as it ages.

Governor Bob McDonnell:  Well then this will conclude this debate. Vietti forfeits so Barboursville clearly is the winner.  I’m Governor Bob Mcdonnell. I do hope all of you go to the polls. Have a good evening. (Applause.)