Understanding “The Prisoner” by Orin Swift Cellars

“The red Zinfandel juice I sourced had a stuck fermentation leaving it extra sappy and sugary.  I blended some Cabernet essence to it and ran it through the oak machine to create a “wine” like nothing else before.”  Wine scientist Dave Phinney talking about his creation and how difficult it is to find an audience for it.    The majority of wine drinkers in this country are die hard fans of wines that are un-manipulated from organically farmed vineyards that reflect a viticultural heritage.  What demographic is underserved that would appreciate heavily manipulated “wines” that have no sense of place?  Careful marketing research was needed to attract such a specific segment of America’s wine drinking culture.  “Who really is looking out for the candy eating bondage fetishist that demands cheap labor for goods and services?”The Prisoner Abstract Machete Orin Swift   2010 review  Dave Phinney
Mr. Phinney felt that America’s love for prisons and prison labor was under represented among wine drinkers.  This country has always relied on prison labor for cheap products.  After the Civil War, prisons kept slavery going by allowing companies to hire out convicts to pick cotton, dig in mines and build railroads.  “I want consumers of my “wine” to remember the good old days of places like the Parchman plantation down in Mississippi,” says Phinney “and know that the spirit of those places are still alive in the vineyards and wineries I source from thanks to cheap, Mexican labor.”

Fans of THE PRISONER will be happy to know that America’s prison population is at an all time high, with mostly black inmates serving longer sentences for petty crimes.  This means private corporations in 37 states have a large pool of labor to legally contract from. Computer companies can have circuit boards made on the cheap, China can get low cost jeans exported to them, airlines and hotels can use prisoners to take reservations and you can take comfort knowing that Victoria’s Secret has used convicts to lovingly assemble lingerie.

“Not only do we love the services that prisons provide there are some of us that like to imagine what it would be like to be locked up, or tied up and forced to do things.”  Making the decision on what wine to pair with what meal can be maddening, do we pair Muscadet or Chablis with the oysters?  Can one pour a Tuscan wine with an Umbrian dish?

“My “wine” takes those decision making hardships away from you.  It tells you what to do.  You will drink this with sushi AND chocolate cake, no questions asked!  With this “wine” a person is both warden and prisoner.  You control how long you want to punish yourself.”

There are only 70,000 cases of THE PRISONER to go around, meaning only 840,000 bottles can be appreciated by such a small group of the country. “Not only to drink but the velvety smooth texture also makes my “wine” a great substitute for lube in all the underground S & M clubs.”

“People that like to receive or inflict humiliation, pain and indulge in confections made from concentrated sugar but also appreciate cheap products made by folks that are forced to work should know that I am catering to them.  Not everyone wants to drink a wine that was crafted by a responsible farmer family that only cares about carrying on old fashion traditions.”

Thank you THE PRISONER!

Now if only Dave Phinney could create a “wine” that celebrates

death…

the Rwanda genocide…

and nonfigurative, nonobjective, nonrepresentational art…

The Prisoner Abstract Machete Orin Swift   2010 review  Dave Phinney

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3 Responses to “Understanding “The Prisoner” by Orin Swift Cellars”

  1. JJF Says:

    Horrible review, poorly witten and clumsy.

  2. Anon Says:

    “The majority of wine drinkers in this country are die hard fans of wines that are un-manipulated from organically farmed vineyards that reflect a viticultural heritage.”

    Laughable…

  3. richmondwineculture Says:

    Thanks for reading JJF! It is hard to review “THE PRISONER” it is a complicated wine with many nuances’s’s.

    Thanks Anon for the comment, I’m glad you find spoofilated wine funny too.

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